The other night I heard Ben tell a friend that never in his life has he left a place with more support, more encouragement, more love than when he left Millbrae. I agree wholeheartedly and thought it was time to write out some thoughts on leaving.
Several years ago, when I was living in France, my roommate gave me a book called Le Prophete by Khalil Gibran. I was suffering from heartbreak (Ben and I had recently broken up...don't worry, we got back together 3 years later) and she gave it to me with this note inside, "I offer you this magnificent book, very wise... I hope that it helps you in the difficult moments of your life and that it will bring you as much wisdom as it has brought me." I have returned to phrases in this book over and over each time I leave someone or some place I love (including my dear friend that gave me the book). As a disclaimer I will say that it is in French and so my translation of the words may be slightly off or I may be missing a nuance.
The character in the book that is leaving his home says, "numerous are the shreds of my soul that I have left in every street of my home...how can I distance myself from them without being overwhelmed and bruised? It's not merely a piece of clothing that I am taking off, but rather my skin that my hands must peel off."
I know it sounds incredibly dramatic, but it helps me to understand the depth of my sadness in leaving people I love. Especially when the leaving comes about unexpectedly and prematurely. What makes this experience unique is that I am leaving with Ben. Usually when I leave somewhere it is on my own and the processing is done in solitude. I am so thankful that this time I was able to leave with my best friend. Although, I have discovered that taking someone with you when leaving has its own layer of sadness attached because there is an acute sense of loss that I can see in Ben that I wouldn't notice in myself. C.S. Lewis talks about how in community, parts of a person are only brought out by a single other person. And so when you take a friend out of the equation, not only do you feel the loss of that missing friend, but you sense the loss in the pieces of your other friends that aren't brought out anymore by the missing friend. There are pieces of Ben that I don't get to experience anymore because we are not around the friends that would otherwise bring those parts out of him. And I'm sure it's likewise with me. Even still, I can't imagine doing this without Ben. God has blessed me deeply with his friendship and companionship during this transition, not to mention we've just had so much fun starting this adventure together.
There is a snare I've encountered before and that I imagine will present itself here. When leaving a beloved place and people, it's easy for me to build "home" up to be something that it's not. It's tempting to assume, especially in the new place when it gets really cold, or the food is rotten or bland, or the people become tiresome, that the place I left is paradise and if I could just get back, I would be happy again. I did this in France when I missed the sun, I did it in Africa when I missed cool fog, and I do it all the time when I miss people. California is truly a marvelous place and our friends and family that we left are precious beyond words to us. But rather than looking back and longing for what once was, I want to be present in this new place, and I want to set my heart on the true Home that I long for, heaven. I want to treasure and maintain friendships from home while planting pieces of my soul in the people we are surrounded by now. Rather than building people up in my mind to be the perfect cure to loneliness, I want to lean deeper into my friendship with Christ. And that goes for my expectation of Ben too. We recently listened to a talk by Matt Chandler where he warned against making your spouse your god. He said his wife was a terrible god. Beautiful mother. Wonderful wife. Terrible god. Because only God can fulfill that role in our life. Ben and I have to be careful to strike a balance between leaning on each other and finding support and companionship in one another, but not elevating each other to the place of God in our hearts.
This is really long so I'll wrap it up. I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone who helped us to leave well. The high schoolers threw us a surprise party so we could hang out one last time on a Friday night, my sister and brother-in-law hosted a good bye open house so we could say good bye to our East Bay friends on a Saturday, the church threw us a good bye lunch on a Sunday, we went to Maui for a week (a gift from a family in the church so we could relax---so thankful!) and then we came back for a day and our former students-turned-college friends threw us a surprise good bye party that night. It was overwhelming and humbling and we enjoyed every second of it. Like I said, we've never felt so commissioned and released to leave a place like we did just now. These words feel pale compared to what my heart longs to say but I will use them just the same. THANK you.
Love love love,
Kristin
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